Soviet time machine
Installation - 2.0m x 2.0m x 2.0m
value - a dime deposited @ 1% before the BigBang
N/A - May 2018
Lizzie the Lezzie - the only true soviet time machine
Lizzie the Lizzie is one of the big secrets of the soviets. Somehow it got in to the hand of Noitulover Alaviv. Rumour has it, the time machine got catapulted out of a wormhole in F65. Besides that Lizzie runs on pure Vodka and inexplicably never gets you where you actually intended to go, she is - contrary to the believe - a Lesbian. Soviet time machines don’t have a sexuality. Actually, up to date no time machine ever built has a sexuality. But then again, what’s up to date in the world of time machines? we don’t know and neither knows Lizzie.
IMPORTANT FEATURES of Lizzie:
TIME MACHINE ACTIVATION BUTTON:
Finding the Time Machine Activation Button is essential for time travel.We also call it the Gagarin-Spot or just the G-Spot. If you cannot find the G-Spot of Lizze the Lezzie, your brain capacity is not sufficient enough for time travel. In such a scenario, please leave the time machine immediately. After finishing your interstellar journey, you may turn off the activation button.
GRAVITATION-ABSORBING SOVIET STOOL:
The Gravitation-Absorbing Soviet Stool is made from original Soviet stool. Please refrain from doing any gymnastic exercises on the Soviet stool. It has not a stable Nash equilibrium due to evil forces of the universe, yet has the capacity to withstand them due to its unique design. As a matter of fact, it is the only time machine stool that reaches a type 7 rating on the Bristol Stool Chart. Amazing!
VORTEX PROTECTION HELMET:
The Vortex Protection Helmet enables the synchronization of your brainwaves with plutonium isotopes that decay from igniting the Flux Capacitor. Because decay of plutonium isotopes is very energy intensive, we have attached a high-pressured air-cooling system to the helmet in order to save your brain from melting. You're welcome! The helmet is also going to safe you in case the spinning vortex wheel is going out of control. Not that it has happened before...
URIN PARTICLE FILTER BELT:
Due to extreme pressure on the bladder while accelerating to light speed you need to wear the Urine Particle Filter Belt in order not to Golden Shower in Lizzie. You can lock the belt with the Gravitation- Inhibiter Key hanging to your left. You may also notice that the other end of the urine particle filter belt points in direction of your face. However, to your left is also a urine-pressure equalization ventilator keeping high- pressured urine out of your face. In case pressure equalization should fail, don’t worry, urine is sterile...
The Flux Capacitor enables time travel towards a desired time and location due to its ability to circumvent Heisenbergs uncertainty principle. It is the most sensitive part of the time machine and has a tendency to have ignition problems. If it fails, the beaming process gets out of control and you may end up anywhere but your desired location and time. Good luck!
1. STAGE VORTEX ACCELERATOR:
The First Stage Vortex Accelerator, also called the soviet spinning vortex wheel, is the first of three serially connected vortex accelerators. It is powered by natural gas coming directly from the Soviet stool and will create a strong magnetic field, enabling acceleration close to the speed of light. So, nothing special here...
2. STAGE VORTEX ACCELERATOR:
The Second Stage Vortex Accelerator, also called Boris Johnson, is the second of three serially connected vortex accelerators and runs on Boris Johnsons beautiful hair. It is very loud and can cause havoc if going out of control, just like Boris Johnson. However, it enables acceleration of the time machine to the speed of light. Amazing!
3. STAGE VORTEX ACCELERATOR:
The Third Stage Vortex Accelerator, also called Lenin's Testicle, is the last of the three serially connected vortex accelerators. It is powered by Lenin's left testicle. Therefore, it never fails - unlike other parts of the time machine - and actually enables acceleration of the time machine beyond the speed of light. It is not possible, but then again, it is! Terrific!
Due to the extremely high gravitational forces during acceleration of the vortex devices, the Flux Capacitor and some leftovers from Chernobyl, radioactive decay of nuclear isotopes is unavoidable during time travel with Lizzie. If you fear to grow a third leg in the future or the past, you may refrain from traveling with Lizzie!
NUCLEAR-POWERED COOLING SYSTEM
The vortex accelerators cause a lot of heat, therefore the time machine uses a highly efficient Nuclear-Powered Cooling System. It is built with the same technology that was applied in Chernobyl. But nothing to worry, we coated the condenser with Plastocor anti-corrosion and anti-fouling solutions. Very effective! And of course, if we can cool down Lizzie, we can also cool a good bottle of vodka, Nastrovje!
TIME CALIBRATOR WHEEL:
Courtesy to the Flux Capacitor, the time dimension during the beaming process can be exactly calibrated without losing information regarding the space dimension. By turning the wheel, you may adjust the time you want to travel to. But since it uses a binary system, you won't be able to understand it. Yet, Lizzie already knows where you want to go, even if you don't!
SPACE LOCATOR WHEEL:
Just like the time dimension, the space dimension during the beaming process can be exactly located without losing information regarding the time dimension. By turning the wheel, you can select the exact location you want to travel to. But since it is also programmed with a binary system, you won't be able to understand it either. But fortunately Lizzie knows!
SELF-DESTROYING EMERGENCY BUTTON:
In the rare case that any of the three vortex accelerators should go out of control, you may consider push the emergency button in order to cut all energy influx to the vortex accelerators. Such a measure will destroy Lizzie the Lezzie and you probably as well. For any improper use of the Self-Destroying Emergency Button, we will send you to Soviet gulag, in case you should still be alive of course!
Shortly after 2nd and 3rd stage vortex accelerators kick in, the influx of uv radiation reaches its peak at 1nm. On the one hand, that's amazing, on the other hand, that's also very bad for your little shiny eyes. Therefore we have created even more amazing Thunder Glasses. Even when they are hit by a huge thunderstorm, they remain unfazed. Like Boris Johnson's facial expression when winning the Russian president election, officially ending Vladimir's reign and sending his witnesses into a political identity-confusing driven rage.
EAR PROTECTION DEVICE:
The Ear Protection device is the most unspectacular device of Lizzie, yet one of the most important. It's a necessity to wear them because you don't want to hear Lizzie before she is reaching her pinnacle and sending you into the unknowns of spacetime. She has a slight tendency to come down loud and hard.
Time travel is very expensive as we need a lot of gas to accelerate Lizzie beyond the speed of light. As you know, gas is expensive - at least on earth, in Uranus it’s a different story. Anyhow, it would be great, if you were to put some coins in the Rubelbox on the Flux Capacitor in order provide time travel for future generations.
Don't fuck with Lizzie and neither fuck in Lizzie! Not that we don't want you to have fun, but fucking during time travel can have fatal consequences! Due to gravitational forces during acceleration, pregnancy will be guaranteed as ejaculation will force an ovulation. Due to time paradox, pregnancy in accelerated time conditions can cause an unprecedented apocalypse!