UA-111617034-1

                             


the story of the soviet time machine

The only true time machine Lizzie the Lezzie was constructed by the Sowjet engineer Igor Krassnov.  In certain circles it is believed that Igor is the alter ego of Noitulover Alaviv, who is already the alter ego of someone else. An alter ego within an alter ego, so to speak - a bit like a babushka doll; Igor's favorite toy. Anyway, this doesn't matter much at the moment, but it certainly will later.According to his own statements, Igor was born in Grassnow in 1895. Already as a child he was intensively occupied with the mysteries of space and time. This was mainly due to the fact that there was plenty of both in Grassnow and people just didn't know what to do with them. Igor had always been interested in what others weren't. He was one of the first to become aware of Einstein's first findings on the relativity of space and time, and soon started making his own calculations. Contrary to what many believe, he did not want to build a time machine in the first place. He was just looking for ways to fold the space-time matrix into a turkey origami in order to impress the beautiful Maria. The idea of the time machine came later, when he realized that it would take thousands of years to develop the technology necessary to manipulate space-time on such a scale. Pragmatic as Igor was, he decided to build a time machine, travel to the future, and then fold the turkey origami into the spacetime matrix. Curiously he didn’t take into account that Maria would already be dead by then.But now back to the origins. Like Einstein, he did not succeed at first in deriving a plausible theory of quantum entanglement. Igor quickly realized that he had to use the phenomenon of quantum entanglement in order to extract sufficient energy out of matter to accelerate a time machine beyond the speed of light. He came up with the all but brilliant idea while he was playing with his beloved Babushka dolls. When he was about to put a good old Sharas into the smallest doll and then planted the doll into the bigger doll, it fell like scales from his eyes. It is not about what you see, but just what you do not see. human beings are usually just concerned with the things that are tangible. Unfortunately, humans are also quite stupid and therefore only 4% of the universe is visible to us. Igor quickly deducted that if we perceive only 4% of the universe and photons are the fastest thing we can measure within that 4%, there is a 96% chance that there is something faster than light. The phenomenon of quantum distortion seemed to support his theory. Igor had a workable theory, but needed to confirm with one of the greatest minds of human mankind. Therefore he set off for Switzerland to philosophise about it with Albert. He almost never arrived in Bern, because at the airport a sniffy police dog tracked the Sharas in one of his babushka doll. But fortunately there is always a dumb officer that comes with a not so dumb police dog. And as we all know humans can only imagine what they see, boarder patrol gave up after the second doll. So Albert and Igor met on the Pläffe and pondered about relativity, quantum mechanics, turkey origami and the breasts of Jean D'Arc. After the third sharas, Albert stated that it was astonishing how such a small brown lump can confuse his perception way more than the hundreds of physicists who tried to convince him of their theories. As Albert grumbeld this to himself, Igor came up with the flash of a genius. "Albert!" he shouted, "that's it! Every information about the universe, the meaning of life, everything is contained in a single quantum! The composition of the quanta only determines which of this information we get to see!" Albert just smiled, stood up and hugged Igor. "I knew you'd figure it out, but you needed a little hint. You should drink a little less vodka and smoke a little more sharas." Igor was taken aback. Albert explained to him that he had figured it out a long time ago, but he had to keep the information to himself. Mankind was far from ready for such powerful knowledge. It would do more harm than good and Igor had to promise him not to talk about it with anyone. Igor pledged to Albert to keep this knowledge to himself. However, he suppressed the fact that he wanted to build a time machine. On the way back to Grassnov, Igor was all excited. He now had the necessary knowledge to build a time machine. He now knew that every single quantum contained the whole plan of the universe and consequently there was also infinite energy in a single quantum to be found. The reason why one always observed only a certain part of mass and energy in a particle was simply because one measured only this part. He deduced that the so-called quanta are most likely only the outermost of the layer and are probably built like Babushka dolls, with the size of the doll the information to be observed decreases exponentially. He just needed to find a way to split the particles into it’s core parts. There he would find the whole construction plan of the whole universe, the meaning of life, the questions and answers to everything and the source that would provide him with infinite energy. Infinite energy that allowed his time machine to accelerate  to superluminal speed. That he finally needed Lenin's left testicle for it is another story. Also another story is how Igor finally solved the phenomenon of quantum distortion. It is very interesting nevertheless, but at this point we want to concentrate just on the essentials.So Igor managed to create a more or less functioning time machine with the help of Lenin's left testicle and some other additives like a Soviet stool, Boris Johnson's magnificent hair or what’s left of it and and some nuclear waste from Chernybol, which he got from time traveler he once met. His name was Ford Prefect or something. Anyhow, Igor's mouth was sometimes a bit loose, especially when severe lovesickness struck him and got him under the weather. So it didn't take long until the Kremlin became aware of his wheeling and dealing. The Bolsheviks trapped him and gave him the choice to either provide them with the time machine for their shady dealings or to end up as a turkey origami in a Siberian gulag. And the poor Igor had no other choice than to make himself comfortable in the untested time machine and start an adventurous journey into the unknown in order to get as far as away from the Bolsheviks as possible. To this day, we don't know exactly what happened in the time machine, but the Time Machine has been called Lizzie the Lezzie ever since. Igor remains silent about the reasons for the name. Just as it remains a mystery to this day why the start button is called Gagarin-Spot or G-Spot. What is known, however, is that Igor landed with Lizzie in Bern in the year 2019 and has since been trying to get the time machine working again to finally travel to the year 4999 to get the technology with which he can finally fold the long-awaited turkey origami into the space-time matrix...